Submission by Aaron Gray of 50Faggots.com
Aaron Gray is a 27-year-old Chicago native, working as an Associate Designer for one of New York’s leading private label fashion corporations, and has assisted in designing collections for Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s Carson Kressley, celebrity stylist Rachel Zoe, and California’s leading couture designer Bradley Bayou. In his spare time, he works as a bridal and special occasion designer under his own self-titled label.
I’m supposed to be writing about what it’s like to be young, gifted, gay, and black in America
And I’m sitting in front of my computer now for what seems like hours, clicking away, creating useless sentences that say NOTHING about what it really feels like. Maybe I’m having such a hard time explaining it because I’ve worked so hard to compartmentalize those feelings of isolation, confusion, and anger. Maybe I’m hesitant in sharing my thoughts because there’s the potential that I’ll become a sort-of “spokesperson” for a specific way of being gay and black, and I wouldn’t say that I’ve had a typically perceived black upbringing to give me the credentials to accurately describe the “struggle”. I come from a very mixed-race family, and because of that, I’ve had the opportunity to grow up around a multitude of races. Maybe I’m just a little afraid that if I let it all out, I’ll end up looking like just another angry black man (and rightfully so). Luckily for me, I will not get called out by the President during an exclusive (and might I add, completely “fluff”) interview with Matt Lauer. And unlike Kanye West, I will not apologize for my choice of words, which by the way, Kanye should not have to apologize for either (because he was NOT alone in his sentiment).
Truth be told, I don’t think Barack Obama cares about gay people, but still I digress.
We had our first film festival screening for webisode one of 50Faggots: “How Gay Do You Want To Be Today?” this past Thursday at Mix 23 New York Queer Film Festival. MIX NYC promotes, produces, and preserves experimental media that is rooted in the lives, politics, and experiences of the LGBT communities, and otherwise queer-identified people; and it was truly an amazing experience to be a part of New York’s longest running Gay & Lesbian film festival. Immediately following the screening, there was a talkback with the available cast which included myself, Jamin Ruhren (aka: Acid Betty), Robert Mitchell (aka: Cyon Flare), Calen Tomaszewski (aka: Epiphany), Timur Tugberk, Bizzy, Roger Goodman, and director/producer, Randall Jenson. It was a successful night for the 50Faggots family, and according to Stephen Kent, the executive director of MIX NYC, one of the most successful talkbacks they’ve had in their 23 year history. There was a moment towards the end of the night, when a young radical faerie in the audience, decked out in a gold sequined jumper, asked the cast how we labeled ourselves within the gay community: Queer, Queen, Faggot, or Gay?” And with a forced confidence I’ve become an expert at conveying, I responded, “I’m a FAGGOT, and I OWN my Faggotry, from my studded ankle boots to my skin-tight jeans.” Expectantly, the crowd applauded and while I smiled, I was secretly disappointed at my dishonesty. The truth is that I identify with neither of those descriptions on a day-to-day basis within the gay community. I am a black man before I’m a gay man. To me, my race holds more precedence over my sexual orientation, and that’s how I identify in all communities. This is something I try to hold on to, especially because of the lack of visible gay black leaders within the gay community.
To be young, gifted, and black…and gay…and successful…is EXHAUSTING.
At work: Being the only black male employee, I have to smile through stereotypical and sometimes inappropriate jokes while making a conscious effort to not keep it “too real” with my co-workers.
On dates: I’m sometimes fetishized for my skin color and features, or ignored because I’m not 6’2 with chocolate skin and the build of football player.
When I’m around other gay black men: I often get “shade” for being too “bougie” and criticized for “acting too white”.
When I’m around my gay white friends: I sometime serve as the community leader for all black culture. And I swear, if I hear one more of my gay white friends tell that they are “Just not into black guys,” then ask me, “Is that racist?” I am going to SCREAM (sexual racism is not cute, guys).
And the only representations of the gay black man in gay media is either Mandigo (DL masculine thug with a 12” dick) or the Ball Kid (club vogue queen).
I was seven years old when I first heard the Civil Right’s anthem “To Be Young Gifted and Black” sung by Ms. Nina Simone. My grandmother, with eyes closed and a demeanor only held for Sunday church service, hummed quietly as the song played. “Listen to these words” she said to me. “Listen well, now.” And I did, or at least I tried to. It was only years later, as I explained to a boyfriend at the time, who happened to be white and expressed his dislike for the simple lyrics, how important it was for black people to have a message like that to sing, a message that expressed the joy and struggle of the black experience in America. And it was only upon understanding the passion in the way she sang it, being young, gifted, and black, that I was able to fully accept myself being a gay black man.
So, with the premiere of our second mini-documentary video from our new “A Gay in the Life” series, consisting of street interviews with diverse gay men we meet while traveling across the United States filming our Season One cast of www.50faggots.com , we are introduced to the another category of gay black men that are often exploited but always celebrated(in my eyes, at least): The FIERCE black Queens. See video below for Zavier (aka Dida Ritz), Nathan (aka Precious Jewel) and Gilbert (aka Saya Naomi Diaz Leon) as they talk about the everyday glamour they express while pushing past the racism of a predominately white, affluent community and internal competition from other black gay men.
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